About Single Parent Plus 2

 

Welcome to Single Parent Plus 2 – a single dad parenting blog where you can seek real world advice, from a real single parent, or just laugh a little at my life.

My name is John Valadez and I’m an author of two blogs, http://singleparentplus2.com and http://dad.lifetips.com; as well as, a freelance writer for http://lifetips.com and I just finished the final draft of my first book, 101 Dad Tips, published through life tips books and available for purchase through Amazon.com, Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books stores shortly. I have two lively little ladies Isabella (6) and Emmy (3). 

How I became a Single Parent

 I’m going to be a what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Like most of us I wasn’t always a single parent. Seven years ago the woman I was dating, well, she got pregnant and although we didn’t get married right away that was always my plan. It was the unspoken plan between my ex-wife and me. When we received the news, we were in the process of breaking up and I was recently unemployed. At that time in my life I was about as irresponsible a person as you could possibly be at 28. As soon as I found out I was to be a father I became focused and looking back now my children gave me a second chance to be a man.

I immediately took a job working overnight in a hotel for $9.00 an hour. Please keep in mind that 5 years later my income went up to $85,000.00 per year. Needless to say, I became motivated and mostly by fear. I was fearful because of our financial situation and that I was going to be a bad father. I refused to accept either. I tell people all the time that my life started when my ex-wife told me that she was pregnant. My purpose in life was clear. I’m going to be a dad.  

My marriage

Ten months after having Isabella we were married, in Las Vegas, which is a big red flag for anyone thinking about getting married in Vegas. I have read that the divorce rate is 50% but, I’m sure that is much higher for couples that get married in Las Vegas. 

Just a hunch I have.

My marriage was one of convenience for both my ex-wife and myself. Convenient because while she stayed at home with the kids; I went to work. She was a stay at home mom and I had a full time babysitter; that was pretty much our marriage in a nutshell. I’m not sorry I got married, not at all, because I wouldn’t be here writing how happy I am right now if I didn’t go through the last seven years the exact way it happened. And I really believe that to be true. Both my ex-wife and I were so involved in being parents and providers we really didn’t focus much on us. So the next logical step to repair a failing marriage is to have another baby – right?

 The birth of my second slice of heaven 

We had Emmy in December the next year and I couldn’t be a prouder father. We were living in Maryland at the time and I really loved what I was doing. We had a nice two bedroom apartment, nice furniture, family and friends nearby and we were happy. Our appearance would lead you to think we were happy. If someone told me that before Emmy’s first birthday I would be separated from my wife and kids, I wouldn’t have believed them, but that was exactly what happened.

The breakup

That entire year was a year of turbulence. I took a job in Florida because I thought it would make my ex-wife happy, we rented a big house because I thought it would make my ex-wife happy and I did something terrible that would come back and change my life again within a year of doing it. On Thanksgiving of that year we called it quits. My ex-wife went out with her friends the night before and never came home until noon on Thanksgiving; after I repeatedly called her cell phone multiple times. On the day while she lied hung over in our bedroom I realized that I couldn’t be married to someone that chose to party with her friends over her family.

My ladies and I deserved better.

When I told her I wanted a divorce she readily agreed. I don’t blame her for what she did and I don’t hate her for the following two years of pain she put me and my children through either but, like I said before, to get to where I am today we all had to go through it together.     

The following five months

I officially moved out in January the following year after sleeping on the couch for a month. I took nothing but my clothes and my truck. I didn’t want to disrupt my children’s lives anymore than I had too. The following five months were really tough. There was a lot of crying, blaming, second guessing, resentment and much, much more. I was struggling and my ex-wife already had a boyfriend so I was also contemplating that she was having an affair while we were married. The cheating part really didn’t bother me as much as this guy was living in the house that I was still paying for and basically living with my family.

I had the kids every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night and all day Saturday and on Sunday until 4:00 pm. It was really nice to see them so often. I gave my ex-wife a substantial child support payment every two weeks. It was enough to pay for the rent and utilities of that three bedroom house she lived in with her boyfriend. I didn’t care that I had little money; I just wanted to see my kids as much as possible.  

In May I received an email from my Human Resources Director asking for a copy of my college degree. I instantly became nauseous. When I referenced earlier about the “something terrible”, well, this was it. In retrospect I didn’t need to lie about graduating college but, I did, because I thought I needed to get this position. That mistake lost me my job and the convenience of living close to my children.

 No job, no family and nowhere to go………. except Texas

I have always had a knack to know when to walk away – back then. Prior to my abrupt end at my then current position I had been playing the field with other companies. I turned down a few offers in the prior weeks so I just called them up and rekindled the negotiation process. I decided to go with a company in Houston, Texas and my only concern was to get my children out there as soon as possible. Four months past of me going back and forth from Texas to Florida every other weekend and finally, after constant groveling on my part, my ex-wife decided to give Texas a chance. She came out for 2 weeks to see for herself if she could make the move. She really didn’t want to leave Florida. I had no say in the matter, at the time, as we were not even formally separated.

It was all up to her and she knew it.

My ex-wife and children moved to Houston in February of the following year. It was like they were coming home to me. My youngest really didn’t know who I was. I had left before her first birthday and I only saw them once a month over the last six months due to the distance between us. I moved them from Florida and housed them in an apartment immediately. I didn’t care that I was giving my ex-wife half my paycheck every other week, nor did I care that I signed a lease under my name for a year and I really didn’t care that I had to promise to buy her a new car and pay for her college when she decided to go either. My children were five minutes away and that is all that mattered to me. It took me 10 months to get them close again but, it happened.

During the year and half we were separated my ex-wife and I came close to legally divorcing only once. I drew up the papers on-line and when she was in Florida attempted to wrap up the process.  The only thing that was left for me to do was go take a marriage class to make sure I wanted a divorce. This was a requirement from the state of Florida. I never did and I’m so glad I didn’t. My ideal divorce situation was to get full custody of my ladies, not pay for my ex-wives lawyer and not pay her one additional nickel for the rest of her life. I dreamed about it and I never actually thought it would come true but, it did - just not the way I wanted.

 Enough is enough

I attempted to help my ex-wife many times and I even took her to a psychologist when she moved to Texas. I paid for it. I did most of the talking and accepted all of the blame for our relationship just to have her sit there and agree with everything I said. She went on to say that I was uncontrollable and bi-polar. We only went that one time.

When she moved to Texas she immediately began dating this guy, who was, a less than desirable individual. I later found out he was a drug dealer. I was suspicious but never had any real proof. I knew the type from my younger years. The fact that he was living with my children and is a grade “A” scumbag was extremely difficult to live with the next seven months. I endured though.

In November of that year my ex-wife called me to babysit the ladies for her while she went out with her friends – it was a Sunday. I agreed as it gave me more time with them. She told me she didn’t know what time she would be coming home; to just bring my suit for work tomorrow and that way she didn’t have to be back until the morning. She frequently stayed out all night when I watched the ladies for her. Most of the time she would be late showing up in the morning; but I did it anyway, I wanted to babysit and not have someone else I didn’t know stay overnight with them.

Who knows who she trusted their care with when I wasn’t around?

After she left, I went and placed my suit in the downstairs closet. When I opened the closet a strong odor hit me right in the face – POT. I immediately began digging in the messiest closet I had ever seen – it was a purposeful mess. In the far back, under piles of clothes, were three large black trash bags. The police report stated there was four pounds of marijuana in the bags all together.

I immediately called the police and they came and confiscated the drugs. I called my sister to come and get the ladies and me. I didn’t have a car as I was giving my ex-wife so much money; I couldn’t afford my truck any longer and it was repossessed. From that day forward my children have been safe; I’ve had them ever since.

The Divorce

Despite the fact, the District Attorneys office decided not to prosecute my ex-wife, or anyone else regarding the four pounds of marijuana they pulled out of her apartment, I still felt confident when I appeared in court. The strategy was to just have her take a court ordered drug test; when she tested positive I would get full custody. It didn’t exactly happen that way. I had to take the test as well and pay for it but, I gladly gave my hair and urine sample in exchange for custody of my ladies. Oddly enough, she didn’t test positive for marijuana, she popped positive for cocaine instead. The judge awarded me temporary custody and she was awarded limited supervised visitation rights.

A sudden change in careers

Four months later, and before finalizing the divorce and custody agreement, I was downsized from my lofty position in Houston, Texas. I was shocked. My General Manager had sent me an email to facilitate a reservation for a V.I.P. guest and just wrote at the top, “See below”. I read the entire email, even though, all the information I needed was included in the first few veins. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss any needed information. Near the bottom of the email was a message from my Managing Director, my General Managers’ boss, asking for the two of them to talk and discuss the Revenue Director elimination – I was the Revenue Director. The Managing Director went on to say he wanted no hiccups and to make a smooth transition for Monday. I read this message on Wednesday; five days before I was going to be let go.

Needless to say the entire situation was a Human Resource nightmare. I went and confronted my direct report, who in turn confronted my General Manager and they just asked if I wanted to leave at the end of the day. I did. The Human Resources Director presented me with my severance package two days later and that was the end of my hotel career.

I didn’t know what to do. I finally received custody, although temporary, and now I was unemployed during the worst recession since the Great Depression. I looked online for positions and found none. I had no leads, no openings and no idea how I was going to support my family after my 1 month salary severance was exhausted.

I felt helpless and determined at the same time. I turned to the one thing I always loved – writing.

How blogging changed my life

I now had some time to explore options; my lease was ending in less than two months and my oldest daughter was finishing up the school year. I decided after my lease expired to move back to New Jersey and live with my parents until I got on my feet. Most of my family lives in New Jersey and my family needed more family in our lives during this period. I had about six weeks of down time to think of a new career and found blogging. I registered a domain; picked a WordPress theme I liked and began blogging away.

I enjoyed the release and began sharing some of my parenting techniques with the blogging community. I always searched out different parenting techniques and tried them to see if they worked. Most of my ideas and posts were met with a tremendous response. I was extremely optimistic. I began to also look for other avenues to express my ideas and advice.

I’ve been through a lot and I was thinking I could offer positive tips to the world.

When I googled, dad tips, a site was right at the top of the search – lifetips.com. This site immediately appealed to me and I applied for the Dad Guru Blogging position. I was onboard within a few days; I now had two blogs within a month’s time.  I also applied for lifetips freelance writing site, writer’s access, to begin picking freelance gigs.

Momma I’m comin’ home

We moved to New Jersey in the middle of May 2009. It’s been great having so much family and support close by – it’s like a warm blanket. Within six weeks lifetips book division approved an outline I wrote for a Dad Guru book. The main reason I wanted to join lifetips was for the book deal. If I was part of the Guru program, I was able to apply for my very own book – 101 Dad Tips. My final draft was submitted in mid July and we are waiting for the first edition to be released within the coming weeks. I couldn’t be happier with my early success. 

Atonement

Seven months after I filed for divorce, actually seven months and twelve days, on July 13, 2009 the final decree read me having full custody of both my little ladies. I walked out the 257^th district court divorced and relieved.  

It somehow seems comical and sad, both at the same time, looking back now. The two longs years I had to endure were all worth it; my children are safe, I have a career I love and faith is what truly got me through the most difficult time in my life.

I believe having faith in oneself will get you through some of the most difficult times in your life.

I know – I’m living proof.

The photo above was taken a few weeks after I was awarded temporary custody. It was such a happy time in our lives that I wanted to capture that moment forever. It’s a great portrait of love and family. Thank you for taking the time to read about our story.