I went on my kindergartener’s school trip this week. I didn’t really expect to be very social in the parking lot, at least, not with the kids. Since becoming a single parent my nanny has told me many times how my girls refer to me when I’m not around. My kid’s say things like, “My daddy loves me” and “My daddy’s really strong” and cutesy things like that, always bring a smile to my face. I’m not telling you to brag that is just what my kids think of me. I’m sure if you ask them while they are in a timeout, being disciplined, they’ll give you a slightly different answer. Overall though, I’m confident they know I love and understand why they are being punished. Can you say the same about your child’s opinion of you? From what I heard, your chances are 50/50.
An alarming conversation with a five year old
Since we are discussing small children I’m going to change the names – to protect the parent. I wasn’t seeking out a conversation, we were all standing in the parking lot waiting to be admitted into the zoo and a few kids decided to share with me. One of the young children asked if I was Isabella’s daddy and, of course, I said yes. He went on to say, “my name is Sage but my mommy calls me Scott, because Sage is a girl’s name and my mommy won’t call me that”. The young man next to him went on, “his mommy was suppose to come today but she is a liar”. Sage also shared, “Yeah she’s a liar. She only came once to my school and she tells me she is going to come all the time but she never comes – she’s a liar”. The other boy added, “Yeah, she’s a liar.” I really didn’t know what to say. I was shocked – I just finished my coffee a few minutes ago!
What he shared was bothersome. Shocking, was the nonchalant fashion in which he conveyed the impression of his mother. It was a good thing I was wearing sunglasses, it covered the astonishment on my face. Initially, I wanted to call someone confirming what I just heard – am I getting this right? Did this boy just floor me with this? No one knows the future for this young man but one thing is definite, and that is, his five year old impression of mommy is distorted.
My second reaction: How do I get my kid as far from this kid as possible?
I’m a father. There is no getting around it and no matter how much I listen to my girls and ask them about their feelings and do their hair – I’m still a guy. My second reaction was getting my kid as far from this little boy as possible. I guess it’s the protector in me. Standing there though, as the two little boys went on to opening their lunches prematurely and getting quickly disciplined by their teacher, I remembered that I can’t always be there to protect either of my kids. My children are going to have to make their own decisions regarding who they decide to associate – even in kindergarten. I asked Isabella, do you talk or play with Sage? I awaited her answer anxiously, “No. Sage is mean.” I felt conflicted. I was relived she didn’t take in any of this kids poison but I also felt pity for this five year old child and the hardships he is enduring. So many emotions, it was only 10:00 am and we were in the Zoo parking lot!
What did I learn from a five year old?
Always tell the truth; remember your audience; your child’s world revolves around your own. I mentioned in prior posts about telling kids the truth – it’s really not that hard. If you can not possibly make an event then tell them why. Explain to them your schedule and talk with them until they understand. When you do have time then make sure you spend it with them. Your time is your own and you have full control over it. The more time spent with your child, when you do have the time, then the less disappointed they’ll be if you cannot make an event.
When speaking to small children you have to remember how they interpret information. Get down on their level, look them in the eyes, and use words they hear every day and you’ll communicate. I communicate differently with my five year old than my three year old. I’m constantly working on my communication skills.
You are at the center of your child’s universe, if only for a short period of time. My oldest is five years old and she is becoming more and more independent every day. Does that mean my influence over her stops? Not at all, it just means I’m playing a different role in her life at this time. If I want to raise an independent person, who makes sound decisions and uses good judgment, I have to be that person. Kids emulate what they see on a daily basis. If a child is raised by a short tempered person, constantly struggling with everyday decisions, they see that as acceptable behavior. When a child is subjected to a cool headed person, everyday, conflict is something easily dealt with or better yet – easily overcame.
As always, if you have any comments please leave them and thank you for your time.
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I’m not surprised to hear about something like this. It’s getting toughter and tougher to be a kid these days.
Hi, interesting post. I have been pondering this topic,so thanks for posting. I’ll certainly be coming back to your site.
thank you so much for hitting the nail on the head. children emulate there parents and grandparents or who ever is involed as caregiver’s.thanks for the reminder to set a good example when I’am in the presents of my own grandchildren.
Wow, this is super sad.
I went to my son’s school recently for a function and several children whose parents could not make it were crying because their parents were not there. I remember how much I wanted my parents at everything and how it felt *about me* when they were not. But it’s hard to remember that when you are an adult and feeling pressure to make money for your child, especially as a single parent. Wow. I wonder how my son would describe me to others…
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