How important are grandparents? The role they play in your child’s life is up to you

I never had a well cultivated relationship with my grandparents. They either lived far way or were not with us. As I got older, other things took precedence in my life over developing a relationship with them. I was indifferent to the importance of a grandparent/grandchild relationship when I became a parent. It took me several years, and my oldest daughter, to show how significant that relationship can be in a child’s life.  I recently relocated to the town of my youth. Although many events lead to this decision, a big one was my children’s need for a relationship with their grandparents.

Why grandparents are more than just a smiling face in a picture

A grandparent fits the mold of a mentor like no one else. The relationship is practically predetermined before birth with anticipation and readiness on the part of the grandparent. A grandchild is a gift. As an adult, with many life lessons, they have an opportunity to pass on their knowledge to an entirely new generation – it’s quite poetic really. My oldest daughter shares the month she was born with my mother and my youngest shares the same day and I do not see that as a coincidence. How can I not assist in cultivating their relationship?

My past mistake and what I learned

I made the mistake of letting others influence my children’s relationship with their grandparents. I thought that by agreeing with my ex-wife and “giving in” when she wanted my marriage would be more solid. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “if mom is happy, then everyone is happy.” The problem was that my ex-wife was never happy. The part that she didn’t get along with her in-laws was inconsequential – she didn’t get along with anyone. It was a mistake I admit and I will never make again. I’ve come to realize that I had no right to jeopardize my children’s relationship with their grandparents. It just wasn’t my place. The bond they share is just too important.

How I avoid being the third wheel

We all have strong feelings about raising children and the toughest thing for any parent to do is just stand aside. A close relationship can only happen if it is between two people – not three. I will always be my daughter’s father but I will never be their mom-mom or pop-pop. My parents and I have a clear understanding of how I want my children being raised and we are all in agreement who the parent is but, I’m still careful of pulling rank in front of my children. Parenting around your parents should be a course in college or something they teach you at the hospital. The last thing you want to be is stressed around your children or worse – confrontational. I had many conversations with my parents and we have a clear understanding on guideline and rules. They know what is important to me and where they have discretion. Our relationship has clear communication which leads to zero frustration.

What to do when one child is closer to a grandparent than the other

I pondered this question for a long time and came to the conclusion to do nothing. I’m not going to ask anyone to pay more attention to my children or disrupt their current level of comfort. Sometimes what we want and what actually happens are two different things – life is funny that way. Although an immediate bond might not develop between a grandparent and your child, it does not mean a permanent one is not cultivating. Be patient.

Enjoying the moment

I watch my kids with my parents and want their relationship to grow and last for as long as possible. They both deserve it. In most cases, the perspectives we have on our parents and our children are unique. Our parents raised us, and we, are raising our children. My parents are happily evolving into this new role and my children get to share their happiness and learn from my parent’s wisdom. I am witnessing history, two generations finding a common need – each other.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom

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Tags: grandparents and grandchild, mentor, mentoring, mulitgenerational vacations, multigenerational relationships