10 things I do to stop arguing with my ex-wife around our children

1.     I stick to the custody agreement

·        Speaking with other divorcees this one is tough. Again, I can only speak for myself and our situation but, when I began sticking to the custody agreement my relationship changed with my ex-wife – it got better. I found when I deviated from the court’s decision is when I became frustrated. An example would be her visitation rights are from 1pm – 5pm every other Saturday and she has to let me know 10 days prior if she wants to see them in two weeks. That seems simple enough. Well, it wasn’t because she wanted them from 3pm – 8pm and not on this Saturday but on Sunday and so on and so on. I found that I would change my schedule for her and wait around sometimes for hours or she wouldn’t show up and I became frustrated. Then I said, wait a second, all I have to do is stick to the custody agreement. It took one time that she couldn’t see the girls and going forward she started to stick to the agreement. As a result, I was no longer frustrated and we no longer argued over dates and times.

2.     I expect everything to go smoothly

·         Recently, I’m trying to see the day going smoothly and everyone being happy. I expect a great visit. I anticipate the interaction to go without complications and more times than not, it does.

3.     I’m respectful of her time

·         Respect the others persons schedule, the children’s and your own. My children are relying on me for everything and showing them the importance of respecting other peoples time will stay with them all through lives. I’m constantly reminding myself it’s not about me, it’s about my ladies.

4.     I remember it’s not about me, it’s about my children

·         In the beginning of our separation I found myself repeating this over and over internally. Change was not easy for me, especially when it came to divorce. I have been on both sides of the physical custody fence so; when it comes to visitation I am very empathetic to my children needs and wants. This is their time with their mom and I respect it above anything else going on between their mother and me. I do everything I can to make sure I hold up me end of the visit for my kids well-being.

5.     I never bring up the past

·         I made this mistake many times and it was a hard one for me to let go. The past is just that – the past. I started doing myself a favor and left it there. There is a quote from Edna Mode, that’s the designer from Pixar’s The Incredibles, “I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now.” Great wisdom from an animated character.

6.     I never swing at a low ball in the dirt

·         A little baseball wisdom for the beginning of spring. If you have ever seen a baseball game, I’m sure you’ve seen a batter swing at a bad pitch in the dirt and all the fans start saying how stupid the batter was for swinging. Although the player would agree, still, he did it anyway. In the beginning of our separation I swung at many low balls in the dirt and the only person to blame was me. I didn’t have to take the bait and start arguing with her but, I did. I think Dale Carnegie summed it up best when he said, “the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”

7.     I play by the rules

·         The rules are simple; treat others like you want to be treated. Don’t swing at low balls in the dirt and don’t throw low balls in the dirt.

8.     Be happy and smile

·         I can’t remember where I heard it or read it or saw it but here is another quote, “act as if.” Act as if seeing your ex-spouse is the best thing that could happen to you at that exact moment in time. Act as if you’re having a wonderful experience. Act as if you care that your children are happy because it’s their happiness at stake here. I know my children are happy to see their mom and if I had a smug look on my face, then that takes away from their experience and brings them down. I can’t do that to them so I try to be happy and smile.

9.     If I need to discuss something I save it for the phone or we meet without the kids around

·         I try to always keep in mind that there is a reason I divorced this person and for me it was communication. We didn’t communicate, we argued. We argued constantly in front of our children and that is something we all had to go through. Again, I do this for my children and I stopped arguing in front of them. It seems that all of our conversations end with a disagreement. I take the time and make sure the children are not around when discussing anything that could end with an argument. For me, it’s worth setting the time aside.

10.                          I always speak highly of my ex-wife around the children

·         I attempt to eliminate all negativity from my life so I always speak highly of my ex-wife around my children. When I’m speaking to others and the kids are not around I try to stay away from the negativity – even in this post!

Related posts:

1. Using Emoticons with children:A simple technique to teach children about their feelings A few months ago my girls were always telling...
2. Single Dads can be awarded full custody If anyone has been following my story these last...
3. How I teach my children to have a “Can-do” attitude A single parent is constantly presented with daily challenges. To...
4. Teaching my children to resolve conflict on their own Is it really this hard? My girls are two...
5. Are we teaching our children to be afraid? I took my daughter to the pediatrician today. It...

Tags: custody agreement, Divorce, ex-wife